We all get lied to.
He said he loved me.
She said she had a business meeting.
They said they were growing the branch.
This last lie was presented on a pretty little plate and fed to my husband at his interview as branch manager. This particular branch was struggling, but corporate claimed they wanted to turn things around, grow it and make it profitable.
So he left his job at another company in order to shorten his commute and fix this branch – he is very good and getting manufacturing plants back into profit making and lean functioning.
He quickly realized after day one that he had been lied to. He had made a mistake in trusting them. They had sucked all of the resources out of this branch and in the first few months he had to lay off person after person…over 40 people. He was sick over it.
Have you ever been there? You look around and what you signed up for is NOT what has been delivered…it’s a sickening realization.
The first thing we often do is question – did they simply misrepresent out of confusion or ignorance? Maybe they meant what they said, they just didn’t understand? We give them the benefit of the doubt, as we hope others would do for us.
We also question ourselves. Did I misunderstand? Maybe my questions weren’t clear enough or specific enough?
But eventually the questioning needs to stop and it’s time for action. The reality is that regardless of who was at fault, things are NOT what they were made out to be. The way I see it, we have two options. Do we stay and try to change it, or do we go?
When it comes to unhealthy relationships, this decision is often the first in a long string of compromises.
We hate to give up so quickly – it doesn’t look good, but we think this may just be a fluke. This person probably won’t do that again. We will wait it out a little longer – we will overlook and forgive this one mistake. This first lie.
Maybe we don’t want to “fail” at yet another relationship. Maybe we are so needy and insecure we can’t stand the thought of being alone. Maybe we only think we have value when we are part of a couple. There are a million reasons that make us reconsider the door when we discover we’ve been duped.
But lies are never harmless. Deceit drops you off a cliff every time, it makes you question the ground beneath your feet, it causes constant anxiety in the backdrop of your mind and the growing suspicion makes your brain work overtime.
Lies drain you.
Not being able to trust someone – especially someone you are supposed to be close to – goes against EVERYTHING we believe a loving relationship should be.
So we continue to extend grace and continue to tell ourselves that it will get better. All of this because we made that first decision to STAY IN THE LIE when we first discovered it.
If we were all well-trained, expert bullshit detectors, we would never get caught up in the webs that manipulators weave. Because let me tell you – narcissists are EXPERT bullshiters.
If you are naive – they will zero-in on you like a heat-seeking missile and feed you that BS because you make it easy for them.
By using confusion, blaming, deflection, overreacting, shaming, gas lighting, upside down logic and even threats – the manipulator will make sure that the lies never look like lies, and they will never apologize for them.
But please know that if you live in a state of uneasiness or queasy confusion with gut wrenching alarms going off – you’re not crazy. It’s not you. It’s your subconscious screaming at your stubborn conscious mind – the one that is refusing to think on its own.
The truth is – there is a certain amount of shame in allowing yourself to be duped. You feel like you should know better. But beating yourself up won’t change ANYTHING. Get over your mistake because we’ve ALL been there.
And until you call a spade a spade – you will live in the alternative world of bullshit, created and maintained by the manipulator.
Is that where you want to be?
Honesty – real hard-core deep down soul-baring honesty – is hard to learn when you are someone who likes to keep the peace. Because truth isn’t always pretty, or welcomed, or hopeful.
But owning the reality of your experience, your emotions and your understanding is CRITICAL to living a healthy life. You need to fully accept where you are – and then go from there.
I am devastated by your lies.
I am confused and scared for what the future holds.
I no longer believe you and I question everything you ever said.
I no longer trust you and it hurts so bad.
Be brutally honest with where you are – for me that meant that I had a diligent regiment of journaling, reading and therapy for several years.
I had to get it all out and make sense of what I was feeling. By nature, lies are made to be confusing, so it’s no wonder it messes with our capacity to see clearly, and it can take some time to get your bearings. Persevere!
This next part is important though. As much as we need to be open and honest and vulnerable with ourselves – the manipulator is not a safe person with whom to do the same.
Meaning, anything I share with them WILL be used against me.
Any well-meaning soul-baring will be twisted later on to try to control, shame or use me.
They will simply weave any new information into their web of lies and half-truths.
While I need to be honest with myself, I need to choose VERY carefully what I honestly share with them.
So first comes the honest look at the circumstances.
Next is the action.
When we wake up in a lie we need to spend ALL of our energies GETTING OUT of it.
Don’t just be like, “Oh, ok, this is what it’s like.”
Let me ask you – if you realized tomorrow that you had been charged an extra 40% on your phone bill for the past year – would you just accept it and allow it to continue…hey I guess that’s just my new bill now, oh well.
You would call up and either cancel or demand a refund.
You would not pay ONE MORE BILL to this messed up company.
If you show up ready to grow the branch and lead new initiatives and end up having to lay off half of your people – do you stay with this company? Heck no. You start applying to other jobs IMMEDIATELY.
If you commit to someone based on their words of love and their so-called desire to build a life with you, and then they daily put you down, control you with harsh words, threats, anger and silent treatment while blaming YOU for it…do you continue to allow it? This wasn’t the deal!
Liars and manipulators do not deserve another MINUTE of your time. Leave them in their own web.
From the moment your eyes open to the situation you need to channel ALL of your energies into getting OUT of the lie.
Plan your exit. Or demand change and honesty.
If they are willing to be honest about themselves and get help, there is hope for change. But if they continue the blame game, take it as a sign from the universe that this relationship is NOT what you need and there is something MUCH better – like real – waiting for you elsewhere.
But you will never have honesty if you settle for dishonesty.
You can never experience being cherished if you settle for being used.
You can never feel safe with a partner if you settle for walking on eggshells around them.
GET RID OF THE SOURCE OF DECEPTION!
Commit to honesty in your life – and do NOT tolerate ambiguous, confusing, nonsensical and bullshit communication anymore. It’s either real or it’s done.
Don’t allow lies to poison your life!