This isn’t love

Love is not seeing how much s*** you can put up with from another human being.

We think that if we continually turn the other cheek, look the other way, forgive and allow it to happen again that we are somehow being loving. 

But here’s the thing: we’re allowing them to get away with bad behavior. We’re allowing them to be less than their best version and less than who they were created to be.

They don’t need us to allow this sick song and dance to continue – it isn’t good for anyone involved.

They need someone to pop their unhealthy bubble – they need to learn to face what they’ve done and then to grow beyond it, to grow in spite of it, to grow into who they were meant to be. 

It honestly isn’t loving when we continually enable their bad behavior and make it comfortable for them to mistreat us.

The truth is that if I truly love them I will want them to grow and will want them to be free from these destructive habits, these destructive thoughts, this twisted way of seeing things.

They will never have healthy relationships with anyone if we allow the unhealthy patterns to continue unchallenged.

DO NOT make it easy for them to control, manipulate, shame, belittle, and wreak psychological and emotional warfare on you.

That’s basically what is happening.  

If you believe in the Bible and the “turn the other cheek” teachings of Jesus, then you must also believe in his teachings about spirits.  There are evil spirits. And they can hijack and use hurting, vulnerable people.

In reality, your loved one is being used as a puppet to destroy you.

I want to make sure you hear that, so I will say it again:  your light is being snuffed out by hatred itself, and it is using a weak, sick soul to do it.

You are cooperating with your own destruction when you should be fighting back!

Oprah once spoke about being responsible for our own energy and how we allow our energy to be manifested in the world and affect others.  We need to manage and keep that energy in check – our life flow. She then went on to say that she had learned an important life lesson. She found out that there are just some who will not take responsibility for their own energy. Whether it be anger, spite, jealousy…whatever negative energy they are allowing to run rampant, it’s not only affecting them but it spills into your life as well.  Oprah said she learned that when others refuse to take ownership of the energy they are spreading, she needs to be the one to take responsibility for the energy she allows into her space. Because now it’s not just hers, but someone else is pushing their unhinged emotions into her space. And she learned to stop allowing it.

People who are ruled by a narcissistic, controlling spirit hate it when you disengage because they lose control and the ability to manipulate your emotions. 

But people who love you and want the best for you will never begrudge you for putting up healthy boundaries.  They want what is best for you. The people who have been benefiting from your lack of boundaries – those are the opportunistic ones who are going to have a fit when you say no for the first time.  And they will try to knock that new boundary right back down.

Stand firm.

It’s like raising kids or training a dog.  You really have to see it in that light. You are teaching a new behavior and they will test it.  Stay the course. They don’t know it, but ultimately you are fighting for them, for what is best for them. Spell it out as lovingly as you can but be crystal clear and MEAN IT.

Such and such will no longer be tolerated.  It’s not OK. I don’t like it, I didn’t invite it, I don’t deserve it and I don’t need it.  If you will not reign it in, I will remove myself from your toxic presence.  I will take responsibility to maintain a healthy environment for me.

Have an easy mantra that you can repeat no matter what they throw at you.  Mine was something like “I hear you, and that may be true, but I will take it up with God and I trust Him to show me.  Until then my answer is no.” I repeated it soooooo many times. I wouldn’t engage in the actual argument, I wouldn’t try to make a point, show him the reasons or justify myself – I would quietly stand my ground with a simple unemotional reply.  Eventually, whoever is more stubborn will win out. You are probably a very caring person, which is what they are counting on. But you need to practice some tough love because I promise you that your kindness is NEVER going to change them. 

Stop standing in the way of natural consequences.  
If you hurt someone you need to say sorry.  If you don’t, you lose a friend. And if you keep doing it, you will lose everyone’s trust as well. It’s time they felt the natural consequences of their behavior.

Be stubbornly and unflinchingly committed to health and freedom from diseased relationships.

Even if it means that this one has to go.

And it may simply need time to get healthy and then you will have it back.  Sometimes, with addicts or people who genuinely want to change and get better, there can be a healthy reconciliation and a new starting point.

But if you are dealing with a life-long narcissist, please don’t hold your breath.

Putting up with s*** is not what your beautiful life is for.  You were created to LIVE – not just to spend your days surviving an unhealthy persons need to dominate, control and have power over you.  Not to enable a leech to suck you dry everyday with their confusing demands, temperamental attitudes, insinuations and crazy-making.  

You were created for greatness!  You were given this beautiful gift – don’t let an unappreciative, sick person trample it and waste it for you.

Love is NOT allowing them to destroy, throw tantrums, behave irresponsibly, use and abuse those who care for them.  

Love is saying I’m sorry you are stuck in this place.  I hope you get the help you need. I cannot be your shrink, I cannot be your savior, but if you can treat me kindly and respectfully I will be your friend.  But first you need to do some work so that you are safe for me to be around.

Help your loved one to grow up and learn how to treat people like people – not things.

Until then let them know that you will be creating and maintaining healthy, loving energy in your own life.  If they want to join you they will need to wipe all the s*** off of their feet first. No more tracking it into your space.

Be loving.  Be strong. Be free from the madness.

One thought on “This isn’t love

  1. Pingback: This isn’t love — Guest Blogger TRIUMPHANTLY – Survivors Blog Here

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