When I doubt the Giver

We had a long overdue heart to heart. The Giver and I. It boiled down – as it usually does – to trust.

You see my Creator and I had not been seeing eye to eye.

But I had finally come to the point of acknowledging:  What you are uncovering in me is worth discovering. What you have given me is worth owning. What you have created is worth being.

When I doubt my worth and my value – what I am really doubting is the creator. It’s like saying that I doubt the worth of a Monet, or a Picasso, or a Renoir. I’m not questioning so much the work itself but the artist – the visionary who poured his heart and soul into it.

Nothing in creation – nature or humans – seems to be an afterthought, a mere last minute hodge podge of leftover atoms and DNA. (OK, except maybe the Platypus) Everything is beautifully, thoughtfully and even artistically planned out and then scientifically executed. And if I believe that – a belief stemming even from the simple observation of my world – then I have to believe it about myself too.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Why is that sometimes so hard to believe?

I was thinking of the special people I am blessed to have in my life.  Amazing people. My students, especially the seniors, who I grow to love and care for and then…they leave and go live their rich and exciting lives beyond high school. And I was thinking of my five boys.  I  am so impressed with how they have grown into these fine young men as they are building their lives and moving on to pursue their own life quests. But then the thoughts changed to something darker.

Everyone else is special, and they move on – but you aren’t special.  Everyone else is but you.  

I actually caught this pesky thought a few weeks back and wrote it in my journal.

Lie. I caught a lie.

If I can catch it before it goes unnoticed and plants itself in my mind, then I can reason with the lie, see through it, and weed it out.

What He has given me – my talents, my personality, my being – is worth having.  It’s worth accepting the gift of myself.  After all, it was made in love by the master Creator Himself. I am a unique blend of personality, insight, memory and emotion.  I am worth being. I am special.

And so are you.

Whatever the lies have been telling you lately – and in this season they seem to be as plentiful as the acorns falling from the trees into my yard – don’t believe them and DON’T let them stay. They will take root. And then it requires intentional, painful and in my case professional help to uproot them.  It took me years to get rid of the ones that I allowed in my youth.

If you have never read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, may I highly recommend this beautiful little book to you.

In it, the little Prince has to daily groom his planet by cleaning out his volcanos (he has three, one is asleep but as he says, you never know) and weeding.  You see, there are foreign seeds that come from somewhere other than his planet – baobab seeds.  The biggest, strongest tree there is.  If he doesn’t yank them out when they are small he will never get them out.  They will grow to overtake his entire small planet and destroy it.

Lies are like the baobab seeds.  They start small.  They seem harmless.  Everyone else is special.  Probably true.  Well, maybe not… but I don’t have time to deal with that silly passing thought right now.

Oh but I need to.  It won’t be passing if I don’t make it. Those silly harmless little thoughts anchor deep into us in order to masquerade as part of our identity.  

We need to have the daily diligence of the little Prince to go out and examine what exactly we are allowing to grow.  Is it a weed or a flower?  Will that thought enhance my planet or destroy it?

What I am is not a mistake or an afterthought. It is worth discovering, worth accepting and worth being.

YOU are worth being.

We can trust the Giver of the gift – He had something amazing in mind when He thought you up.  As we learn to accept the gift of ourselves, the way that we are made, our eyes are opened to our own beauty and worth.

Yes – my children and students and friends are special and amazing.

But so am I.

I still have struggles believing this – and you may struggle with a different lie. Maybe you think everyone else is smarter.  Or better looking.  Or more successful.  Whatever the lie has been telling you – it’s roots are weakening your foundation and creating cracks and destruction in your identity. Face the lie and EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL IT – choose to trust the truth that you ARE special.  Smart.  Beautiful.  Strong.  Talented.  You were made that way.  In HIS image. As we accept it we will grow into it.

Feelings don’t get to decide.  The will does.  And we can will ourselves to believe the truth even when our emotions are siding with the lie.

I need to practice diligence and discipline in inspecting my little plot of land.  The Master gardener will not disappoint.

We CAN trust the Giver.

Be blessed as you grow a powerful garden of truths in your life!