For years, I felt as if I was half of a person, walking around, looking to others to be made whole. On some subconscious level I espoused the ancient legend that the gods of old, jealous of our power and beauty, split each soul in half, and we were doomed to wander the earth until we finally found our other half…if it was even possible.
The odds seemed stacked against me ever becoming whole, since it meant I had to find someone else. It depended on another – and I didn’t even know who they were, let alone where they might be at any given moment in this world of billions.
I was looking outside of myself, sure that my wholeness could not come from inside since there was only…me. And I was certainly not enough by myself.
Recently my sweet sister sent some of our old family VHS tapes to be converted to DVD. She gave us all copies and I was a little apprehensive of watching it because I knew how insecure I was back then: a skinny little girl with frizzy hair and crooked teeth, a whisper of a voice, and always seeking validation that I did indeed deserve to be here. I was nervous to see this young girl again – she’d been gone for a long while, but it had taken years of both therapy and personal work to get beyond the deep insecurity that she embodied.
So on an evening when I was alone, I popped the DVD in my computer and steadied myself as I was propelled back into the 80s.
She bounced up to the camera. A 12 year old brown haired girl. Before I could judge myself or feel badly about myself, I reached out to the screen and touched that little face. I spoke to her: “You are amazing, you are strong, you are a beautiful girl. You are enough!”
I reached back in time and spoke to my 12 year old self. I told her what I wish someone had told me. I told her what it took me decades to finally believe. I saw her with the eyes of compassion – she was doing the best she could, believing what she believed about herself.
I forgave her for not knowing.
This may sound crazy, and if you are someone who has loved who you are at every phase of your life you may not understand the need to do this – but I believe that there are many more who, like I did, have spent years practicing the fine art of self-hatred. And it sucks.
Why we do it to ourselves, I don’t know. Somewhere along the line someone said something cruel about us, and instead of fighting them, we aligned with them. We agreed. And even when they quit picking on us and belittling us – we kept it going.
Over the years I was so cruel to myself. I shut myself down so many times. I despised my feelings and saw them as weakness and worked to numb them the best I could. I shoved drugs and booze and strange men into my body while telling my heart and head to shut up. I took reckless risks with my own and others lives, waking up many mornings having no recollection of even driving home – yet the car was there. I would sabotage any success I might have been able to achieve – keeping myself in the mediocre place of almost but not quite because in my mind I didn’t deserve to be successful. I put everyone’s needs and desires above my own and worked myself to the bone to keep them all content.
Self-abuse 101. I got an A+. And yet ultimately I was failing at life.
Everyday I looked in the mirror I would tell myself I was ugly. I hated my spider-web hair, my skinny shapeless legs, my flat chest. When I cared for my body I touched it in a minimalist, impatient and even disgusted way – never loving and caring. Every chance I had I would put myself down, tell myself I was stupid, I was boring, I was worthless, I was wrong, wrong, wrong… Just wrong. All the time. Everything. Wrong.
And never enough.
Thankfully, with the help of an amazing therapist, many books and some beautifully strong women, over time I learned to open the door and sit down with my authentic self and get to know her. I stopped being my own enemy and began to encourage and build myself up. I found the beauty my creator had so lovingly placed in me. I learned to stand up for myself. My outlook, my beliefs and in turn my life changed completely.
That’s why I was so nervous to face that young girl again, because that 12 year old was on the cusp of opening the door to self-hatred and plunging me into a dark phase which lasted into my late 20s.
If only I had not been looking for completion outside of myself. If only I had seen the treasures hidden inside of me and valued them.
But despite the pain and destruction I caused myself there are no real regrets. Because out of that dark time I gleaned so much wisdom and strength – I learned to recognize the enemy and how to fight. I reclaimed myself and my life. I became a warrior.
So if you are still looking for your other half, if you think that someone else will make you complete, or worthy, or validate your existence…STOP. You are wasting precious time!
You are beautifully, totally COMPLETE the way you are. You have all the power and the beauty and the strength that you will ever need. You are simply amazing.
Stop agreeing with the ignorant voices that belittle the marvel that you are.
They are LYING!
No other living person can complete you because you already have all that you need! You are already full to the brim! Live out of your fullness my friend. There is a never ending source pouring into you and awakening you every minute – you are overflowing with power and life and beauty! Look up and look in – but don’t look around for someone else. They can NEVER fill you. And you know what? You don’t even need them to try.
Connect with the force that created you and put you here – that is the only thing needed to be not only complete but OVERFLOWING!
I found my identity – my true powerful identity – in my creator, the life force that breathes into me and calls me out of my finite self and into something limitless.
You will find yourself there too – and you will never ever NEED another person in order to feel worthy, strong or content.
Be triumphant in the fullness of who you are!