Quiet despair

The Lord will accomplish what concerns me.
This I must not doubt.
The pain is so strong tonight, I told the Lord
that if He will not free me from this torment
I should rather die.
What must I do to live?
How do others do it?
Am I alone condemned to a life of living death?
Is it the music? The movie?
What has brought this upon me???
Can't I be satisfied with MEDIOCRE EXISTENCE???
Perhaps it is not.
And I know, I certainly don't deserve more.
But I desire it.
So strongly it is like a poison almost.
Taking over.
Is it the wine?
It's like something has caused me to reach the depths
of my quiet despair.
I cannot continue like this.
I am nothing without Jesus, that I know.
All my righteous deeds are nothing but filthy dirty rags.
Yet He loves me.
Oh that thought has the scent of freedom to it.
He loves ME.
I don't.
And maybe the intense pain stems from there.
So I will sleep.
Sleep changes many thoughts.
What all this has been I will see someday.
I simply pray for healing, growth and CHANGE.
No more hating myself.
No more being jealous of those who have a life.
No more.
Teach me to live Lord.
No matter the cost.
I am dying here...
Please send help.

*Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay

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