TRIUMPHANTLY

Anytime, anywhere – you go, I go.  This refrain kept repeating in my dream as it was being sung.  I couldn’t tell you the tune now.  Some things remain after I wake up.  Melodies aren’t one of them.  But the words did. And it was paired in my dream with a beautiful song of surrender by the blind gospel singer Ginny Owens.  I used to listen to and sing that song on the regular when I was in the throes of my separation and divorce.  I had felt scared, overwhelmed and ill-equipped back then to deal with what I was facing. Committing to walk through the valley before me by singing this song was a sort of centering worship back then.  What valley am I facing now? Why is this resurfacing in my subconscious at this time?

So, the past few years I have had to come face to face with the fact that I have created a life for myself that I can no longer handle.  So many times I have been closer to breakdowns and panic attacks than ever.  Even when I was fighting for my sanity against a manipulative narcissist.  And that’s saying something.  I have been shrugging it off, attributing it to my job, but I’m now seeing it’s way more than just that.

Everything in my life feels overwhelming.  And before we digress – yes I am perimenopausal, so yes I am aware that anxiety and depression and all the fun feels come along with that.  But trust me when I tell you that this is more than my hormones toying with me.  

I am realizing that even though I have learned the importance of being over doing, my default has continued to be DOING.  And mainly doing for others – not for myself.  Because that would be selfish – right?

Oh boy.  I still have so much to learn about the art of BEING.  Because my mission this year is to uncover more of my buried self.  Buried under all of the things that she needs to do in order to earn her right to be.  And that’s not the way it works – you can’t earn the right to be.  You have been GIVEN that right.  In fact, it is your calling.

Here’s what I’ve been learning – see if any of it resonates with you too.

My actual purpose, my mission, is to live today fully present and fully as MYSELF.  This is how I fulfill my mission.  If I pretend to be someone else then I have automatically missed today’s whole purpose. It doesn’t matter how many things I check off the list. My vocation and my calling come from being myself.  That is first and foremost.  The gift of ourselves is truly the richest and best gift any of us have been given. And the only real way to honor the gift of ourselves is to truly BE and LIVE as that self.

I have been neglecting (this is the kind version) myself for years.  YEARS.  Forcing myself into boxes and roles that push me to the edge and deplete me so completely that I never get to address the deepest longings and needs my true self is crying out with.

Living as myself, doesn’t necessarily mean acting purely on impulse or feelings.  Emotions change with the time of day or my degree of hunger or yes – even the fluctuating hormones that come along with being a woman.  But my core doesn’t change.  Certain things keep resurfacing over the years, like a drowning person coming up for air, calling for attention.

I need to learn to hear the quiet song my truest core self is humming underneath all the layers and all the outside noise, and then echo that song.  Sing along.  Bring it into the here and now.

Live it outloud.

Can I follow God to myself?  Maybe this valley I am called to go through with God is in fact the scariest one I have faced.  Being myself.  Authentic.  No mask.  No filters.  Complete vulnerability.  Willing to claim the things that truly matter.  Willing to pursue them.  Willing to fail at them. God wants to introduce me to the woman I have been burying all these years  – I know this now.  The question is am I brave enough to meet her?

So my purpose is to BE.  To be none other than ME.  And I realized today that the purpose of that being is not simply to be in a vacuum – but to be with God.  

The reason to BE – fully myself, fully present, fully alive – is to be in full communion and relationship with God.  My creator.  My source.  My origin.

Constantly.  The unbroken connection of two real and authentic beings.

So – where do I go from here?  I follow.  I am promised a teacher and a guide and I am going to trust that I am not left to my own devices here.  This is too important.  My word for the year is flow, and so I will follow where God leads.  Go with the flow.  Through the valley.  Towards my authentic self.  Anytime, anywhere – you go, I go.

Be blessed as you also discover and free more and more of your authentic self from the fear-imposed restrictions and constrictions and rules that both others and our own critical self-survival mechanisms have kept us in.  Be free to be YOU!