What they think DOESN’T MATTER

When we are stuck in a painful, toxic relationship, the hardest part can be simply believing that things can change, that we deserve healthy, that we are worthy.

Do you know that your worth cannot be endowed by another?  It is not something you earn, or that someone bestows on you.  When others tell you that you are worthless, or maybe in a more subtle manner allude to the fact that you are defective, or not good enough – we somehow believe that they must know best.  Clearly they must be some universal deity, able to see and measure true worth and value for everyone and everything! Surely they must be wise beyond understanding, way beyond ourselves and our confused and sorry little mind.

Not so my friend.  They are NOT the authority on you!!!  

Only you can decide your worth, and you show what you believe to be your worth by your actions. And truthfully, even if you decide to sell yourself short, just like an ignorant appraiser selling a masterful piece of art under its value, the true worth of the object hasn’t changed – it was simply misjudged and undervalued.  Your worth is God given and cannot be lessened by you or anyone.

I have found that even beaten down women are so resourceful, so strong, so capable, that when they finally feel the burn that it’s time for things to change and they start believing in their own power and worth – it’s only a matter of time.  

It’s when they don’t believe… They yearn for the change but it doesn’t come.  

It can’t, and it won’t come until the “being” happens.

The doing is the easy part. 

The being – becoming – growing – now that my friend is the hard part. 

Because if it wasn’t, none of this would have happened to begin with. Somehow we skipped doing the work on ourselves, getting to know ourselves, growing ourselves…and we looked to others to give us worth and validation.  

Maybe we found meaning in being the level headed enabler.  Maybe we felt important as the “victim”. Maybe we felt good about ourselves compared to our diseased partner and we were going to benevolently help them to get better…like us.  Can we call a spade a spade? It’s all BS.

We tried so hard to find meaning and value from everywhere but from INSIDE.  Stop!

Repeat after me;  “I have worth because of who I am.  I am a beautiful, loving, strong, creative, intelligent, powerful, caring human being. What (insert name here) thinks doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter.

I remember writing those words in my journal and feeling as if I had been struck by lightning. 

Was I allowed to say that?  It sounded sacrilegious. It seemed like he would find out my thoughts and I would get in trouble just for thinking them.

But it’s true!

If he freaks out – it doesn’t matter.  

If he gets mad – it doesn’t matter.

If he tells me I’m a piece of shit – it doesn’t matter.

If he doesn’t like that I’m setting boundaries – IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t get to decide about me anymore.

My friend, once you believe that you are worthy, that you deserve healthy – I promise you things will change.  Now I will not promise you that your toxic partner will change – that is up to them. But the forces you will have unleashed in your own spirit will spread into action and your circumstances will never be the same.

Dare to believe in yourself.  


You are amazing.

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